Why does your au pair always have conflicts? Don't let the “details” ruin the intercultural bond!
Glacier has been running an au pair program for many years, and parents often ask: “Why does my au pair always get into trouble with me over the smallest things? In fact, it's not about who is right or who is wrong, it's about the cross-cultural compulsion for details - if you are too strict about the details of life and tie your au pair down to the bone, can they not be uncomfortable? Today, let's talk about these common potholes and give you a few tips to avoid them!
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Hygiene habits: don't let the standard of “cleanliness” become a trigger for quarrels!
Different countries have a much different understanding of “clean”, and it's easy to misunderstand if you get too caught up in the details:
- Object placement: have to make people do what you do?
We met an au pair from a German family who complained to us: “What's wrong with putting my skin care products on the bathroom counter? It's convenient for me to use it! But my host family insisted me to put it in the cupboard, saying that there should be nothing on the countertop, which is so annoying!” This kind of “not a bit bad” requirement makes people feel that they don't even have any personal space.
- Cleaning standards: the quest for “perfection to the core”?
Some families require “not a single grease stain” on the kitchen stove, and even wipe the edges of the stove with a white rag to find problems; the floors are mopped and washed every day, and there is “not a single hair”. A Spanish au pair said: “I was exhausted after cleaning the kitchen, but my hosts still said there were stains to be re-wiped, and I felt like I could never live up to their expectations!”
Court Leahy Tips:Make a “cleaning pact” with your au pair ahead of time - where you must be strict (e.g. children's pantry area) and where you can be flexible (e.g. where to put your personal skincare products), and use a consultative tone of voice, don't give commands, so that everyone is comfortable.
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Schedule: Don't treat people like robots.“
Au pairs have to take care of their children, learn Chinese, and keep busy with their own business, so if you are too stuck in a routine, they will break down:
- Time accuracy: not even by two minutes?
One family asked their au pair to wake up at 7:00am every day to make breakfast, even if they took care of the children until midnight the night before, and were told to be 2 minutes late. This kind of “zero buffer” requirement makes people think that you don't care about them at all.
- Schedule: no changes at all?
One family made it mandatory to do crafts with their children at 3:00 p.m., even if the children wanted to go out and play that day. The au pair said helplessly, “I'm like a robot, I don't even have a little bit of autonomy to choose!”
Court Leahy Tips:When you set up a schedule, leave some “flexible time” (for example, you can get up ± 5 minutes), and when there are special circumstances (children are sick, au pair has an emergency), communicate and adjust the schedule, the rules are dead, but people are alive!
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Eating Habits: Don't Let “Eating” Become an Embarrassing Scene
Food is at the heart of culture, and if you force people to follow your standards, it's easy to hurt their self-esteem:
- Utensil use: a “right or wrong”?
A Spanish au pair used the wrong knife and fork and was publicly corrected by her family, her face was red to the ears - what's wrong with using cutlery casually in Spain? In Spain, what's wrong with using cutlery casually? How embarrassing is it for them to be picked on in public?
- Food handling: too much of a hassle, right?
Some families require cut fruit to be put in the refrigerator immediately and vegetables must be cut in a specific way. Au pairs spouted, “It takes longer to process food than it does to cook it every day, it's too much of a chore!”
Court Leahy Tips:First understand the eating habits of the home country (for example, Spaniards use utensils casually, Germans are strict about food storage), and then tell them about your home habits, so as to compromise with each other! For example, you can cut up fruits and put them in the refrigerator, but you are allowed to eat them for a short period of time, and you don't need to be obsessed with the “standard posture” as long as the utensils are easy to use.
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Gerlach's heartfelt advice: don't “force”, “tolerate”!”
Au pair programs are supposed to be about people from different countries getting along and learning from each other - your children learning a foreign language and your family experiencing multiculturalism. When you are matched with an au pair, we will help you to clarify the details in advance:
- Make a “small list”: write down the “bottom line requirements” and “flexible space” for hygiene, work and rest, and food, so that you don't have to worry about it later;
- Monthly Chat: Have a monthly meeting with your au pair to talk about what's bothering you, so you don't save it up for a big conflict;
- Free Intercultural Classes: We offer free intercultural getting along classes for families to help you understand the customs of different countries and step in fewer potholes.
A final word: details are “lubricants,” not “stumbling blocks.”
Inviting an au pair is a wonderful thing, but don't let the “forced details” ruin the relationship. We always think that by respecting differences and being flexible, we can achieve a “win-win” situation - your child will be happy learning a foreign language and your home will be warm and lively!
If you're looking for an au pair, or you're already having problems getting along with one another, talk to our team of au pairs and we'll customize a solution that will make cross-cultural encounters easy and enjoyable!